Jan 22, 2025: What Do I Want?

Hello! First of all, I just wanna say I don't really plan to make this a whole depressing thing like my last ramble was. I'm still very happy I made that, but I think I was kinda too... self-pity... ish? near the end? I'm very happy and satisfied with just saying whatever I want whenever I want here, I think I'm slowly working out exactly what I want this site to be. That being said, I saw this great video earlier today that was basically just a "let me get my thoughts out" kind of video and I thought that's exactly the kind of thing that this site is for me. I think that helped center myself and sorta helped decide exactly how or what I want this site to be going forward.

So this is a thought I've been having a lot, not necessarily this year but kinda just every so often across 2024, and it's that I really enjoy marking down things that I want to do in my life. A good example is if a friend of mine sends me a song or tells me "hey this album is good", I'll bookmark the link to the music video or playlist for that album and go "I'll save this for later and play it at a good time!" so when I'm playing a video game and grinding and want something to listen to, I'll pop it in. Because of how much I play FFXIV and helping my raid group make items or that kind of thing, it's nice to have a backlog that I sorta just go through to fill that time. It happens a lot with different things, stuff like video games I want to play, music I want to listen to, dishes I want to cook, even things I just aspire to do. Playing bass guitar is a big one I'd like to start sometime later this year if I have the proper time to. Even if I never get to them in my life, or I change my mind in the future, I like having things planned in the future to do and goals I want to accomplish, whether they're as simple as "listen to this song" or end up being massive long-term projects.

Speaking of longer projects, I think that's how I view playing video games. It's what I spend most of my time on being unemployed and planning for college in the near future kinda causes lots of downtime and I like deciding "This is what I want to play during this month" and spending lots of time on them or planning out different things. I've been achievement hunting in Borderlands 2 and it's been a really nice thing to spend time on to keep myself busy, especially since this isn't the nicest time for me currently.

And both the way that video I watched today was presented and playing that game a lot made me think, I want to have a character, something like an OC, and have art of them in different outfits based on the games I play (since I see them as bigger projects and what I spend a lot of my time on) because of the varied outfits for characters or art styles of the games I would play. I think it would be really unique and interesting, and would be a good opportunity to commission artists. But honestly, I've never made a character I've felt so attached to that I would tie my entire identity to, the closest is my FFXIV character. I'd love to make something like a video or some sort of ramble about that game and have it look something like videos I've watched previously, having several images of a character in different emotions for different parts, like how a game like Ace Attorney or Danganronpa has different sprites or poses for its characters, and images like that of people's characters are used for things like an old Sequelitis video. It's something that's kind of hard to describe through text but it's done fairly often in video essays I swear I'm not crazy lol

The idea of making a video about anything, in any style, is an interesting thought to me because I feel like a lot of people have that dream of "I want to be a YouTuber, I want to make money off playing video games or talking about the topics that interest me or what makes me creative", and while I initially started writing as a hobby because it *wasn't* making videos things like social anxiety, not revealing what my face or voice sound like, and the extra work of things like editing a video and definitely ended up appreciating this format a lot more, the idea of creating a YouTube video for fun or streaming a game to see how it goes is something I'm inspired every so often to do. I go back and forth a lot on whether I actually want to or not and always end up deciding that I don't want to, that the negatives outweigh the positives for me, but then I continue to wonder, if that's the case, then why do I still have this feeling of wanting to do something like that? What is it exactly that I want to do?

There's still a lot that I've yet to figure out. And there's a lot I'm sure that I never will! I think it makes life interesting and means there's always something I'm working towards. I'm never truly bored, if I'm not currently focused on making something then I just say I'm between projects and just do what I feel like in the moment until something clicks. Maybe I'll talk with someone and they'll mention a game I wanna play, or I'll watch a video that reminds me of something I want to do. There's a lot of possibility in the world and having too much of it to uncover is a complicated feeling, but it's mostly positive.

For years now, I've kept pushing myself with these ideas that I want to follow all the time. Things like only writing about what I want and what makes me happy and not letting other people dictate what I decide to do with my life. I'm enjoying myself and thinking I'm heading in a good and fun direction with my life by doing so. Maybe I'll stay in a little position where I keep writing small things almost no one reads, and maybe some day something will happen and more people will know about me. I'll figure out exactly what I want in the world eventually, piece by piece, and just keep moving forwards towards *something*, and I think living like that is really nice.

There's so much out there in the future. I'll look back someday.