Jan 11, 2025: Empty Audience

I want to write more here, I really do. I created a whole ramble on something like the 28th of December talking about the issue with FFXIV's job design at lower levels of the game and what I think would improve it all. And I still want to finish making that. I want to post things here that kinda just pop into my head and just have a nice place to say whatever I want, that's why I made this site in the first place. I just... haven't been able to?

I'm not sure if people are seeing what I write here, and I like that about it. I thought of like, what if I could put comments on this site and then talk to people or whatever, and that would be super awesome, but I think there's a kind of solace I get from not knowing if people are even there, that if I have an audience, it's empty according to what I can see.

And I mean, I'd prefer it that way! I'd like to not know if people have seen whatever ramblings I put out here.

The issue with the whole FFXIV job design ramble that I wanted to do is that I started typing it all out and then it just got bigger and bigger and suddenly I'm making something that's equivalent to my big blog articles that I work for days on and have to proof-read and edit and include examples and all that. Then I get to the point where I go "I have to put in so much work for this, I'll save it for later" and then the passion to talk about that thing kinda just naturally burns out as I go about my life and think about other things, and then the draft lies in the graveyard.

I think the point here is that I want to just say things without thinking about them. If I try to put effort in then I set a standard that I want to meet and then things get out of hand. I enjoy just... talking. I've been doing it on a forum lately and talking with friends more recently and it's nice because I don't overthink it, I just say things that come to mind.

Something that has been on my mind that I've wanted to say on this site is that recently I couldn't stop thinking about Shugo Chara. It's the first anime I ever watched and every year or two something happens and it pops back into my mind. Watching Tokyo Mew Mew reminded me about it because they're both magical girl shows, and recently there was a tweet where someone basically went "What would this character with this magical girl power look like if they actually existed in the show?" and then people were making fantastic art and talking about it and everything. It was amazing to go "Wow, people still care about Shugo Chara and love it like I do!" and I started thinking about my favourite moments from the show, and listening to the music, and then I went "You know, this show was great". There's a big emphasis in the story about finding the kind of person you want to be when you grow up and following your dreams and helping people in need, because the characters are all kids, and I think it's really nice for there to be something out there for a kid who might enjoy fantasizing about having magical powers and an ideal self they want to grow up to become years from now. It kinda helped emotionally support me when I was younger so knowing that people are still talking about it and younger kids could still find it and have that positive experience I had makes me really happy.

I've also been thinking a lot about just like, playing video games in general, I guess? I started Story of Seasons Pioneers of Olive Town recently, It's a whole thing, I played the Story of Seasons picross game and it got me in the mood and I've wanted to go back to playing it more, but I feel like it's the kind of thing I really have to sit down and commit to for a while, it's a lot like Stardew Valley, but I've just had other things in my life and I keep just... not doing it. Which is fine, maybe I want to do something else that day, but I keep thinking "Man I want to finish it so I can move onto other stuff and not leave it unfinished".

Between that, finally homebrewing my 3DS so I can play a lot of games I missed out on (or just have things like DS Pokemon games handy to access on one system), and how I've really really been thinking about Persona 5 today and wanting to replay it around when March comes around, it's sorta hard to decide what I really actually want to spend my time on. So I ended up opening FFXIV, doing one leveling roulette for tomes I don't need, and then closing it until we raid later tonight. Maybe I'll just dedicate tomorrow to being a lazy day where I just sit around playing Pioneers of Olive Town or something, that sounds nice.

Having a day to be lazy and sit around playing a video game sounds really nice because (besides that just being a really lovely experience) I think I'm getting sick. I lost some blood which I'm pretty sure weakened my immune system and allowed something to get in, so while I still feel good right now it might be nice to make up some plans for the next week to still be happy while I'm ill. I want to try to remove/lessen any stress I'm putting on myself this year, so I don't wanna be like "You should still be productive when you're sick, this is your fault" or anything. I was up until 5am last night because I was doing something, and then sorta spiraled into this whole thought cycle of "You're wasting your time, everything you're doing is stupid", and I want to forgive myself and heal from that instead of piling anything extra on.

I know I'm oversharing and saying literally everything that's in my brain right now but hey, number one, these are rambles so if you see this you directly signed up for this, and number two, again I just wanted to really get things out without thinking to an audience I don't even know exists. I like it that way.

I'll heal quickly, and feel better soon.